The difference between being alone and feeling lonely has started to define my sense of self here in Maui. So much of my past has been so reliant on something, anything. As humans, the comfort of another is all we strive for. Finding that someone, or that something to complete our search.
Coming to Maui alone has had it’s ups and downs. Moments of fear and moments of feeling naive in decisions I make. Never turning to another to validate my choices but turning within. Trusting the fear I have and running with the intuition in my heart. Just the other day, a friend and I went swimming in a secluded water spring in the North shore of Maui, I told her I felt scared to jump in. She, a native of Hawaii, told me she would hate to ever feel scared. Such a simple statement, made me reflect on why I spent so much of my time and emotion on fear. Not knowing what is beneath you is scary, but excitement rushes through you. You’re alive. Not knowing what is to come next in life is all a part of living in the moment.
Most of my days here in Maui are spent alone. Just with the calmness of the waves and the beauty of the sunsets. I have met some amazing souls along this journey, but have felt a necessity to maintain my distance emotionally. That may sound harsh, but I’m about to embark on a 27 month journey, and it’s just the way it is.
As I walk down the beaches of Napili and Lahaina, I turn to see only one set of foot prints gently washed away by the warm Pacific ocean. Two years ago this would have made my heart feel heavy. Missing my dad, a boyfriend, or a friend, but today, it makes me feel strong. I found a note in my phone that was titled “Note to self.” What was written is as follows.
“Aimee. You need to be a warrior. Exude confidence. You are strong. You are beautiful. You have depth. But don’t let these qualities blind your own self.”
I have to be honest with myself. With the struggles I have been through. With the mistakes I have made. The triumph I have shown. But I can never let those things make me weak, and I don’t want to feel sympathetic for myself. My struggle is not my identity.
The fear of jumping in alone has created an energy as strong as the ocean itself. There might be doubt in actions made, but the higher percentage of my mind says “just jump” and I do.
Thus far, during my journey, much of what I do has been done while living in a land of uncertainty. Awaiting information from the Peace Corps. Uncertain about my finances. Uncertain about much of the future. Uncertainty and fear are the best of friends. My goal is to let the uncertainty evoke a high. An IV straight to my veins. Every breath I take will be heavy with excitement of the unknown.
“Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all” -Helen Keller